I’ve found that song lyrics are bleeding into me even more than normal lately. I’ve always depended on someone else’s creative genius to explain my own moods and to make me feel whole. I guess that’s the long way to say, “I need music.” Lately, I’ve been finding Jack’s Mannequin to be God’s gift to me. “The Resolution” could not be a more perfect fit for the mass chaos that seems to have settled in the center of my life.
I’m leaving Athens, forever. Things are rapidly coming to an end and I’m so overwhelmed with a thousand different emotions. I’m more than ready to get the hell out of this place – a place that doesn’t feel like home anymore now that my best friends aren’t here. But this is it. There’s no more coming back after winter break, or last-minute choices that leave me with another three months in southeastern Ohio. It’s over. And with me leaving comes tying up loose ends with the few people I hold dear to my heart in this town. I’ve come to terms with 99% of what I’m leaving behind here. I’m leaving behind more than four years that made me who I am. I’m leaving behind countless memories teaching color guard, and ten girls who made me cry as I walked away from my final season at AHS. I’m leaving good friends behind, and good memories of Dairy Queen, working out, Applebees, Taco Bell and countless nights on front porches and Court Street. I get it. I’m leaving all of that. It’s bittersweet, as it should be.
But I’m stuck on this whole issue of closure. How do you get it? Or more importantly…what the fuck is it? I keep thinking that in order to have closure, you need a plan of action. Something that’s going to get you the closure you need. Something that will make you sigh and feel the weight lift off your shoulders. Something that makes it OKAY. But nothing makes it okay. There are no words, thoughts or actions that can make leaving one of your best friends behind an easy task, unsure of whether or not you’ll ever see them again. There is nothing to be said for the few years that helped define who you are, or for the person who has been there forever.
There’s no kind of closure for complicated relationships, for hurt feelings, for misunderstandings and countless tears. Nothing can reverse our course of action, or change history. Yet I find myself constantly searching for some pathetic sense of understanding. Something that makes it okay for me to leave. I suppose circumstance always prevails, and I have once again realized that most things are beyond my control. I cannot make people care the way that I want them to, and I cannot control the actions of others. I can only control myself…and even that’s a stretch.
Perhaps closure isn’t something you achieve after executing the perfect speech, hug or goodbye dinner. Perhaps closure presents itself after certain events and circumstances fall into place. Perhaps things are what they are. I’ve always told my girls that they have to “make things happen,” not just “let them happen.” But perhaps I’m eating my own words here, because I’m going to let this happen. I’m not going to plan a mission for closure. I’m not going to search through three years of complicatedness in an attempt to make sense of anything. I’m just going to leave. I can’t force people to care, and I don’t want to. THIS is my closure. Nearly 99% of the time, every answer to any question I’ve ever had sits right in front of me. I forego my privilege of sight in order to believe what I want to believe. But not now. I’m answering my own questions, getting my own closure and playing by my own rules.
This entire entry bugs the hell out of me because it makes no sense as a piece of writing. But perhaps that’s what honest thoughts are. Complete and utter bullshit tied up in language.