I should be asleep. My mind has been torturing my body, forcing it to function properly on a mere four to five hours of sleep each night. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been kept awake by my thoughts. Usually, I welcome sleep with open arms, happy to escape my emotions and fall into numbness. But lately, my bloodshot eyes have been giving me away. It’s like I’m unwillingly awake. Stuck here, desperately turning things over in my mind, hoping for different results. But you know what they say…insanity comes from repeating the same sequence of events, constantly hoping for a different outcome.
I’ve been thinking about why we’re so afraid to fall apart. Everyone you ever turn to for advice will probably tell you to push through, have faith and stay strong. What for? Why are we so scared of falling apart? Why does society silently imply that it’s social suicide to surrender to our feelings? We all plaster these faces on, smiling mechanically while we wince inside every 30 seconds. No, I don’t mean that this is how we live every minute of our lives. But in times of hurt, and in times when we’re lost or confused, we’re pinning the corners of our mouth up into a smile, and praying that someone will see through us enough to ask us what’s really going on. I guess the opposite of staying strong is being weak, therefore implying that it’s weak to give into our emotions and surrender. It’s never okay to fall apart.
But then I got to thinking (trust me, I did a lot of this thinking thing), about what good falling apart will do any of us. Yes, we are broken down to be built up. Falling apart allows you to be real with yourself, to be raw. But, does it solve your problem? Does falling apart actually help us? I’m not big on being a quitter, so part of me feels like falling apart isn’t an option. I don’t even know how to completely fall apart, because I don’t think I’ve ever done it. Sure, we all have our moments…even our days, weeks or months. We’re depressing and sullen. We sleep too much, eat too little and start to worry our friends when we can, hands down, outdrink every grown man in the bar. But to actually fall apart at the seams? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever done it.
It just feels like all my seams are coming undone, and I’m completely out of control. Usually, if some one person is the cause of this, it’s an easy problem to solve. Simply cut the person out of your life. But what if it’s not one person, or one thing? What if it’s just life? What if your life is coming apart at the seams, and everything is falling apart? Nothing makes me happy anymore, and I have this constant nostalgia for something that I don’t even think exists. It’s the most complicated feeling ever. Every single day, there is a new challenge. Usually, this doesn’t phase me. I’m used to having minor obstacles in my way. But lately, the obstacles seem to be getting larger and more important…and I’m getting more and more pathetic at being able to tackle them successfully. This combination is utterly impossible.
This is such a depressing piece of writing. Oh well. You can’t make this shit up, right?
i can’t spell it out for you.